


The Pilot Light of Memory

by CydSA



Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-07
Updated: 2013-02-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 00:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CydSA/pseuds/CydSA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is easy. It’s staying when the going gets tough that’s hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pilot Light of Memory

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be a fluffy, happy comedy type thing. And then it wasn’t. Because of course George of the Jungle is an angstfest. But seriously. This is about being displaced and not fitting in where you think you should. And love. It’s all about true love. But no talking gorillas or elephants called Pooch. Sorry. Title is a quote by Frank Deford. Written for the very last round of J2 Ever After
> 
> Beta by the always patient & lovely sbb23

The things Jensen loves most about Jared are also the things that make him crazy.

Jared’s wide-eyed naivety is both endearing and frustrating.

His inherent belief in the good within all people is both charming and ridiculous.

Right now, Jared’s belief in the good within Misha Collins is testing all of Jensen’s restraint.

Misha is leaning over Jared, perched on the armrest of the chair Jared’s sitting in. Jared is smiling up at him, completely unaware of ulterior motives. Jensen is _very_ aware of ulterior motives. 

Mostly because he usually has them where Jared is concerned.

Misha puts a hand on Jared’s shoulder and Jensen growls. 

“You are the saddest sad that ever sadded.” The voice behind him makes Jensen stop and look around.

“Christian fucking Kane,” he declares.

“Not currently fucking but hey,” Kane says, holding out his hands. “Any time you want to, Jenny, you know I’m good for it.”

Jensen scowls and turns back to Jared and Misha. He’s sure that Misha has inched closer. “He’s going to fall off that armrest in about a heartbeat.” He only realizes that he’s said that aloud when Kane laughs.

“Oh my god, never thought I’d see the day that Jensen Ackles is a whipped man.”

Jensen’s scowl deepens. “Jared’s special.” He just doesn’t want the rest of the world to discover that.

“He’s a snowflake alright,” Kane admits. “Collins sure seems to think so.”

Jensen really wants to walk over casually and shove Misha off the armrest. Into a cactus. But he’s a better man than that so he watches them instead. “Jared loves me.” He’s more certain of it now than he was when he met Jared just over ten years ago.

“Big city, small town boy.” Kane sounds doubtful. “You can’t keep him chained to you forever, JR.”

Jensen sighs. “He likes being with me.” And it’s not an excuse, it’s the truth.

“He doesn’t know better,” Kane insists. “You know what they say, if you love something, set it free.”

“Fuck off,” Jensen tells Kane and heads purposefully towards Jared. Kane starts humming the theme from Darth Vader and Jensen wants to shove _him_ into a cactus.

“Jen!” Jared’s smile is wide and happy and about a thousand watts brighter than the one he’s just given Misha. “I was wondering where you were.”

“Just talking to Kane,” Jensen says and leans over Jared’s shoulder to press a kiss against his temple. “You doing okay here, babe?”

Jared nods and indicates Misha. “Mr. Collins was telling me about the lake that’s about ten miles outside the city. I’d love to go there.” He turns the puppy eyes on. “This weekend maybe?”

Jensen is struggling not to laugh at the ‘Mr. Collins’ mention and he tangles their hands together. “It sounds like a plan.”

Misha opens his mouth and Jensen levels a look at him. 

Misha closes his mouth again and slinks away to go and try to seduce someone else’s boyfriend.

“The people here are really nice.” Jared’s expression is open and Jensen never, ever wants that to disappear. If he has to kill all of the people in the universe, he’s going to keep Jared happy.

“They’re on their best behavior,” Jensen tells Jared. “They all wanted to see you again.”

Jared leans against Jensen’s leg. “When can we go to the lake?” he asks and Jensen tries not to flinch.

“You said you wanted to go this weekend, Jare,” he reminds Jared.

“Oh.” Jared blinks. “That’s right, I did.” And he sighs. “I wish things would stick in my head.”

Jensen smiles at him. “You had a big accident, Jare. Your brain got a little scrambled is all.”

Jared’s mouth turns down. “You can’t unscramble an egg,” he points out. 

Jensen tugs at Jared’s hand until he climbs to his feet. “You’re getting better every day.”

“Still feel like I’m stupid sometimes,” Jared mumbles, and Jensen thinks _fuck the rest of the room_ as he puts his arms around Jared and hauls him close.

“You’re not stupid,” he murmurs into Jared’s ear. “You had massive brain trauma six months ago and it’s a fucking miracle that you’re walking and talking.”

Jared’s arms are a tight ring around Jensen. “You don’t have to be with me.” And his voice is quiet and small and so not what Jensen ever needs to hear.

“I love you, Jared Padalecki.” Jensen pulls back and forces Jared to meet his gaze. “Are you listening to me?”

Jared nods but his eyes are glassy. “I’m dumb now, you could do better.”

Jensen’s heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. “God, Jare, have you been worried about this?”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t remember our life together or our friends. I hardly remember us falling in love. I wouldn’t blame you for giving up on me.”

Jensen closes his eyes. How the hell hadn’t he realized that Jared was feeling this way? He looks at Jared again. “I will _never_ give you up or give up on you. Okay?” He puts every beat of his heart in his words. “You’re it for me, Jare. No matter what happens in this world, it’s you and me.”

“Okay.” Jared’s mouth tilts a little, but it’s still a shadow of itself.

“Do you want to go home?” Jensen asks. 

“Yeah.” Jared’s smile brightens a little more. “Home would be really good right now.”

Jensen doesn’t bother with pleasantries or goodbyes. He just leads Jared from the room and heads to their car. 

Jared is quiet on the way home and Jensen really wants to know if he’s worrying or thinking.

“I’m okay,” Jared says eventually as they leave the bright, harsh lights of the city behind them and head into the suburbs.

“Yeah?” Jensen reaches out and puts a hand on Jared’s thigh. “You sure?”

“Jen, I’m just freaking out because I’ve got to learn everything all over again.” It’s a moment of lucidity for Jared and they have been so few and far between that Jensen waits for them like summer rain.

“You’re doing so well, babe,” Jensen tells him. “You’ve already defied the odds.” He doesn’t like remembering the day that Jared crashed his car, trying to avoid hitting a dog. The phone call that had stopped his blood ice cold in his veins. The drive to the hospital not knowing what he was going to find. The days of sitting at Jared’s bedside waiting for him to wake up and smile at him. The blank expression in his eyes when he did. Yeah, those memories were best kept hidden away and forgotten.

“I know.” Jared isn’t looking at him but his hand is resting on top of Jensen’s. “It still makes me wonder…” His voice trails off and Jensen waits. But Jared’s fallen asleep and Jensen knows that he’ll have to wait for another time to hear the end of this.

He pulls up in front of the house and switches the car off. He rubs his eyes and glances over at Jared. He can’t help smiling. Jared is slumped against the window, mouth slightly open as chuffing snores escape him.

Jensen remembers their argument early on in their relationship when Jared had flat-out denied snoring. Then Jensen had recorded him on a particularly bad night and Jared had accused him of recording some kind of wild animal instead. 

He hates that Jared can’t remember the song of the Wild Padalecki. “Jare,” he touches Jared’s shoulder. “We’re home, babe.”

Jared’s eyes flutter open and for one moment Jensen can see the panic, the lack of recognition. And then, “Did I fall asleep?”

Jensen smiles and climbs out. “That’s okay. I know that being around people tires you out.” 

Jared follows him into the house, sticking close to him as Jensen greets the dogs and goes to the kitchen to make sure they have fresh water.

Then Bagheera jumps up onto the counter and loudly demands food or attention or a brush or all three.

Jared stares at the big black cat and Bagheera stares back at him. Jensen watches quietly. Bagheera has been one of the memories that won’t stick with Jared.

“Bagheera?” Jared reaches out a tentative hand and Bags obligingly tips his head forward to allow Jared to scratch behind his ears. “Hey boy.” The loud rumble of Bagheera’s purr makes the lump in Jensen’s throat grow bigger.

Jared looks at Jensen, wide-eyed with wonder and relief and sheer delight. “I remember him.” And it’s one of those moments that Jensen has been cherishing. When Jared has remembered something or someone from their life together and put yet another piece of his puzzle together.

“He’s your cat, Jare.” Jensen knows that his eyes are burning but he doesn’t give a shit. Every memory that Jared recovers brings him one step back to Jensen and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

“I know that.” Jared sounds a little offended at Jensen. “Mom gave him to me when I moved in with…” he stops, eyes going wide again as another memory slots into place. “When we moved in together.”

Jensen holds his breath. In the six months since Jared’s accident it’s been hard for him to accept that the Jared he knew may never come back. The prognosis hadn’t been good. Massive brain trauma combined with three days in an induced coma to try to reduce the swelling on the brain had left Jared with severe memory loss and having to re-learn most of his adult life.

“Your mom said that you needed someone to keep you in line,” Jensen says.

Jared smiles. “Because she knew that you’d let me get away with anything.” And just like that another tiny piece of Jared slots back into place.

“She knows that I spoil you.” Jensen feels obliged to defend himself.

“She spoiled me,” Jared says and Jensen laughs.

“Sherrie may love me a little more than she loves you,” Jensen cautions.

“I’m the pretty one,” Jared states with confidence and it almost makes Jensen weep. This Jared has made too few appearances over the past six months.

“You keep telling yourself that, Sasquatch,” Jensen says and pours them each a glass of wine.

“Ooh,” Jared takes the glass. “Are you trying to get me drunk so that you can have your wicked way with me?” He bats his eyelashes ridiculously and Jensen laughs again.

“Baby, you’re a sure thing. I don’t need to seduce you.” He forgets that this Jared isn’t always _his_ Jared. But right now, this _is_ his Jared so he’s going to enjoy it.

“I think you may have to work for it tonight, Ackles.” Jared’s hazel eyes are dancing with glee and Jensen wants to eat him up in huge, lusty bites.

“Nah,” Jensen drawls, heading for the bedroom. “I’m bushed. All this schmoozing and smiling and handshaking has tired me out.”

Jared trails after him and leans against the doorframe of their room, watching as Jensen puts his wineglass on the bedside table and pulls off his tie. “You looked good tonight,” he tells Jensen.

“So did you,” Jensen says.

Jared makes a small noise. “You told me what to wear. It doesn’t really count.”

Jensen walks up to Jared and puts a hand on his chest. “You looked good enough to eat.” He makes sure that Jared can see the sincerity in his eyes. “I was about to shove Misha into a cactus.”

Jared gives a startled bark of laughter. “Misha? Since when have you worried about Misha?”

Jensen can actually feel the tears burning the back of his eyes. “You called him Mr. Collins tonight,” he says instead.

“No shit?” Jared asks. “Well that must have pissed him off.”

Jensen lifts up and presses a smiling kiss on Jared’s mouth. “It made my fucking year.”

Jared’s hands are warm on Jensen’s hips as they kiss lazily for a moment or twenty. It feels almost like the first time. Jensen has been very careful with Jared and physical affection. Up until now, he’s only allowed himself the smallest kisses, holding hands like teenagers, lying in bed at night, hard and aching and wanting so bad, but not wanting to scare Jared.

“How about you stop pussy-footing around and you fuck me tonight?” Jared asks suddenly. Jensen almost swallows his own tongue.

“What?” he asks, sounding incredibly intelligent.

“Jen, it’s been six months. Physically, I’m in perfect health. Mentally, not so much. You treat me like I’m made of glass and fuck it, I’m not going to break!” Jared is yelling at the end of the sentence and Jensen just stares at him.

“What?” Jared scowls and tugs off his shirt. Jensen watches all those miles of smooth skin appear and wants to touch and taste and reclaim all of the spots that have been his for ten years.

“I don’t want to take advantage of you.” He sounds lame, even to himself.

Jared sighs and sits down on the bed. Jensen plops down next to him. “Remember at the party when I said that you deserved to be with someone better than me?”

Jensen would never forget it. “Not even an option,” he says.

Jared nods. “Okay. See, you keep saying these things and telling me that you love me. But how am I supposed to believe it if you won’t touch me?” He looks at Jensen and his eyes are miserable. “I feel like I’m a burden and that you can’t stand the thought of being _with_ someone who is mentally handicapped.”

“Oh my god, Jare,” Jensen breathes and then he’s in Jared’s lap, knees on either side of Jared’s hips, hands framing Jared’s face. “Nothing could be further from the truth.” He kisses Jared then, desperate to prove it. “The doctors told me not to put any pressure on you, to let you remember things on your own.”

Jared’s hands cup Jensen’s ass, they seem to know their way despite months of absence. “Did they specifically say no sex?” he asks.

Jensen lets his lips and tongue do the talking for a little while and then pulls away. “Not specifically,” he admits. “But I didn’t want you to feel obligated.”

Jared rolls his hips up so that Jensen can feel just how _un-_ obligated he feels.

“Dumbass,” Jared says. “Now take me to bed or lose me forever, you big stud.”

And Jared quoting Top Gun at him gives Jensen the hope he’s been waiting for since he got Jared back. And he throws his head back, gives a Tarzan yell, and proceeds to do exactly that.


End file.
